It was a fine evening, 4th of May 1990 and I was about to leave for the playground, quite close to my house. Playing sport has always been my greatest interest I ever had in my life. I got dressed, fully and professionally in the football jersey and spikes given by our club. After all, I was a treasured player there and I could not afford to miss a single day of my contribution to the team. All of a sudden, I heard my mom calling. She was exceptionally polite to me and I somehow knew she must be asking for some compromise on my end. Anyways, she proceeded to state that my father got something else to do, which was ofcourse more important than my match and hence am expected to be take up his responsibilities for some time. Its only a matter of an hour or so before my father takes over and then I will be free to play as much as I wished. I looked blindly into her eyes, kind of avoiding the direct contact so that she doesn't get to know about my already bubbling eyes.
Of course, it was only a matter of an hour but by then I would have lost many a things, which were more important to me than anything. I would have lost the time, the match would have started, someone else will take up my place, my credibility in the team diminishes. I spoke nothing. I could not speak a word but wonder, how could she ask me such a thing? I wanted to shout and scream. I wanted to get heard.
But I didn't complain. Went straight to my playground. I knew a place where I could hide with no one in direct sight of me. I had discovered that while playing hide and seek with the same set of friends. I went there and cried. I cried till my eyes were sore red and there were no more watery lakes flowing down my cheeks. And then I went to perform the duty I was asked, with all the dignity of a martyr.
That was the day when I started learning how not to complain, how not to get heard and how to listen to others. I learned how to mould my life to other's needs and try to solve their problems. I learned to compromise things which mattered the most to me. Time flew by, and I got so accustomed to it that I started enjoying it. I started loving the pain which erupted in my heart whenever I was not listened to. I cherished the moments when I sacrificed something to earn a small happiness to somebody else.
World doesn't allow you to live peacefully, no matter how hard you try. Now it asks me to open up, to share things and let others know about my feelings. I ask you .... Why now? Believe me, change is not at all easy. Habits may change, but what about characteristics? That is the way I have spent all my life, and if you want me to be what you demand, you got to invest time. You got to make me comfortable and let me know that "Its ok to share feelings".
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